Starting Over Pt 2

It's funny after I did my first post, I received a surprise phone call a couple of days later. It was him. My heart stopped and my jaw fell to the ground. I was quiet and didn't know what to say. He asked me if I had a document of his and I told him for whatever reason instead of shredding it, I had saved it. He told me he would text me his address and asked me to mail it to him. He then asked me how I was. I kept my response short but made it clear that I was doing better than ever. I was working with a personal trainer, my health was great, I sold the truck, and redecorated the apt. I asked him how he was. He was never one to like talking on the phone so his response was even shorter than mine. He said he was "plugging along". He said thank you for mailing the form and I said you're welcome and goodbye. I had to make a point to tell him that I redecorated the apt. It sounds silly but it has been part of my therapy. This is my sanctuary, solace, serenity, my peace. The day he left, I took the bus to Tuesday Morning and bought throw pillows, pillows for the bed, little decorative items to put throughout the apt. I need to backup and tell you that he hated any extra pillows. That was the first thing on my list of things to buy. After I'm picking out my items, I'm realizing how the hell am I going to carry these things? I'm taking the bus home! Luckily, a good friend of mine came and picked me up. This was the first day of my therapy and there was still more to come. Oh by the way, I bought 4 throw pillows and 2 extra pillows for the bed that day. Over the course of the following months, I also bought a bedroom comforter set that had 2 pillow shams and 4 decorate pillows. Oh, and I recently bought 2 Euro pillows. You can never have too many pillows! It's funny how little things can really change up a room.  I've found many of my purchases at the thrift store and clearance items at local stores,
He had a pickup truck that I could always here coming down the road a mile away. When he drove away that morning, the sound of his truck just consumed me. It overwhelmed me. Every time I heard a truck that sounded like his, I would freeze. Part of me would think it was him coming back. I hated to feel that way but that's just the first thought that crossed my mind. I had to make a point to keep myself busy with work, going to the gym, reading, anything to keep my mind from falling apart. I would be at work and find myself crying and then I would wipe the tears and have to put my game face back on. I would really break down when I was home alone. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me and think I was weak. I guess in reality, I saw myself as weak. It was tough but the busier I kept myself the better. I made the decision that I was going to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. A friend of mine sent me a coupon for a food delivery service that sends you meals with all the ingredients and preparation instructions for each one. You can select meals for 2 people, 4 people, or I think even larger families. It was fun to experiment with different ingredients and spices that I had never cooked with before.
I also started taking pictures of nature during my walks into work or when I would go walking during my lunch breaks. I've never been interested in photography but all of a sudden I found myself printing my photos and framing them. I've decorated my fireplace mantle with a few of my scenic photos. Again, another part of my therapy.
In the past 2 months, I started a new steroid Hydrocortisone. With all steroids, one of the many long term effects is muscle weakness. With this steroid, I felt it immediately when I would just be walking. My legs and feet would hurt and cramp up. It would hurt so bad it could literally stop me in my tracks. Now, since my only means of transportation is taking the bus and walking everywhere I need to go, this was a daily problem. One day I got the idea that I wanted to find a personal trainer to help me with weight training so I can try to combat the muscle weakness. For the past 2 months, I've been seeing a personal trainer Tony at a local gym who has been helping me.  I've always been intimidated by weights. When I've been to the local rec center, I've always been too scared to go into the weight room because I have no idea what or how to workout with weights. Working with Tony has been a whole new experience and has opened up a love for weights.  I'm being challenged physically and mentally. With having Adrenal Insufficiency, I need to be careful to not over do it physically because it could also hurt me if I put too much stress on my body. On these days when I feel that I've pushed myself too much, I need to take extra steroids to compensate for this. I'm steroid dependent so I have my normal daily dosage that I take which is 35mg and I need to keep it under this amount to avoid the muscle pain, swelling, and weight gain. If I exceed that amount due to being ill or if I need to stress dose, my dosage can go up anywhere between 5mg to 15mg. If I was to become ill, my Physician could advise that I double my daily dosage or in an emergency, I would need 100mg of Hydrocortisone injected immediately then go to the hospital. I keep my emergency kit on hand at all times just in case. Taking the extra steroids on those days when I feel like I have over done it helps me feel better but at the same time hurts me because I feel the side effects more. I have a love hate relationship with steroids but they keep me alive. I'm determined to not allow this disease to overtake my life like it has the past 8 years. I know that overall exercising has helped me feel better both physically and mentally. I'm pushing myself in ways that I've never imagined and I'm loving it!
This journey so far has shown me that I can live without him. I know in the beginning, I honestly wasn't sure. He was my drug. I craved his love, attention, and his body. He was my world and to suddenly lose that part of me was unthinkable. Even though deep down I knew I would be okay, a part of me still needed some convincing. It's taken some time but I'm finally getting to that point where I know in my heart that this had to happen in order for me to discover myself again. I had lost myself in this relationship because my only focus was to please him and for him to be happy. I know he loved me. He was good to me and took care of me and I will always be grateful and love him for that.
But now, it's all about me!