Happy Anniversary

December 10th was the 13th year anniversary of my Craniopharyngioma, which is a benign brain tumor that begins in the pituitary gland. I had my first surgery on Dec 10th and my second surgery on Dec 14th. I was in the hospital for almost a month and not expected to survive. They told my parents if I did survive, not only was I going to face serious medical conditions I was going to be totally blind. After defying the odds and only being partially blind, I was diagnosed with HypoPituitarism, Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency, HypoThyroidism, and Traumatic Optic Nerve Neuropathy. I remember struggling every day to physically get up out of bed to get ready and go to work, take care of my responsibilities, and live my daily life. There were many times, I wondered what my future was going to look like if I survived and if I was going to need a caregiver at some point. I realize that if I would've stayed in Colorado and kept going the way I was, I wasn't going to make it much longer. My body and mind were at their breaking point and something was going to give. I had my moments when I literally wanted to end it all and give up because I was so tired of constantly being in and out of the ER and hospital, and struggled to find the right Endocrinologist for my treatment, and my fear was that I was going to be a burden to someone.

Fast forward to now, being back in Texas for the past two years and my health has improved and my body and mind are in a better state. I found an Endocrinologist that has been very supportive, thinks outside of the box and listens to me. I'm able to manage my disease in a much better way now than ever before and how ironic that now I'm a caregiver to my parents. I'm thankful that God intervened and didn't allow me to take my life into my own hands. I'm thankful for everything that I've gone through because it's made me appreciate every single day that I breathe life. God works in mysterious ways and continues to bless and empower me to carry on the mission He has for me.

 

Living Water After Class-Committed To His Mission

 Search and Rescue

When I lived in Summit County Colorado, I worked for the Summit County Sheriff’s Office for 11 years. I worked in a civilian capacity as a Records Clerk and one of my responsibilities involved the management and storage of every record generated by the Sheriff’s Office and Jail. I would have to read and review each of the reports completed by the Deputies to make sure they were free of errors and compliant with the Colorado Bureau of Investigation and FBI reporting requirements. I also had to view all photos associated with the reports. We had a Special Operations Department that often worked with the Summit County Rescue Group with Search & Rescue incidents. I would hear of these incidents as they unfolded and would also have to read and review these reports if our Special Operations were involved.

By the time I received any reports in my box, I already knew what took place and what the outcome was. When there were fatalities involved, I had to prepare myself for the records requests that I was sure I was going to receive from the family members. I would read these reports as an outsider and would at times feel my heart go to my stomach. I could only imagine what the loved ones were going to feel when they read the same report. For each report that involved a death whether it was accidental, suicide, or homicide, I had to treat it as any other report and remind myself that I had a job to do and not get emotionally involved. I remember I had a co-worker that would ask me to sit with her when she would have to view the photos involving a death. She would find it difficult to look at the photos alone. Through the years, I got more comfortable with looking at the photos which I was not sure if it was good or bad. It was good because it helped me do my job but at the same time, I wondered if I had become numb. To some degree, I think I did.

After reading this week’s lesson about search and rescue, it caused me to reflect on my own feelings towards those who do not know God. Today, I had to make a dreaded call that I knew was going to involve an awfully long wait time on hold. I figured I should probably be productive in the process, so I decided to do one of my workout videos while I was on hold and even handled a couple of chores too. Sure enough, I was on hold for about 45 minutes. I was literally multi-tasking! Once the representative came on the line, she was very pleasant and while she was trying to resolve my issue, we began to make small talk and chat about the craziness of the pandemic, and towards the end of the call, I felt the Lord telling me to pray for her. I asked her if I could pray for her and I stated I would be quick because I did not want to take up all her time since I was sure there were other calls she needed to answer. She responded with “take your time”!  She was so appreciative and stated I was an angel sent to her specifically.  I would like to think this could be an example of a spiritual search and rescue. Like all search and rescue missions, they are not planned and can happen at any time. It is a matter of being prepared and equipped with the tools you need to accomplish the mission.

Living Water After Class-Committed To His Worship

The point of this week's lesson was God Deserves Our Worship And Praise. The author touches on how we cheer on our favorite sports teams. I'm not much for football but over the last few years, I've enjoyed watching baseball. I enjoy the game more when the score is close and you can feel the pressure and stress of the players and the fans. I find myself not wanting to watch but at the same time not being able to turn away and at times staying up way past my bedtime to see the end result. It's the anticipation of not knowing what's going to happen next that drives me crazy! I get this same feeling when I'm reading and or listening to my mystery & suspense novels. I can get so involved in the story and characters that I find myself getting anxious and stressed over what's going to happen next. When I'm getting close to the end of the book or audiobook, I've been known to jump ahead to the end to see what happens. Then once I know, I'll go back to where I left off and finish the book. I know. I know it's horrible to do that. I'm breaking one of the "how to read a book" rules! 

One of the questions I felt the Lord asking me was why don't I read the Bible the same way as I read my other books? I remember when I first became familiar with the Bible, I would stay away from the book of Revelations. I wouldn't read it because I was afraid of the ending. I had only heard bits and pieces of what happens at the end times and since I didn't understand it, I was afraid of it so I felt the best thing to do was to just ignore it. To this day, I still haven't read Revelations. Knowing what I know now, you would think I would've jumped ahead and read the ending like I do with my other books. So the question that has yet to be answered by me is why haven't I?

In the "Live It" section of this lesson, it states to do an honest evaluation and determine if any things in your life are objects of worship. Ask God to reveal your heart and lead you to make Him first in your worship. I didn't make it very far into this lesson for God to call me out on my issues in this area. As I mentioned earlier, I love to read and listen to audiobooks. I get so excited when I start a new book and can't wait to finish it so I can start a new one. It's the same feeling God deserves from me when it comes to spending time with him and reading His Word. When I read my books, it's a time to escape and be transformed into another world and I find myself getting involved in the characters as if I'm there seeing the story unfold before my eyes. I get emotionally involved with the characters and feel their pain, frustrations, happiness, and get angry with them too. I need to approach the Word of God in the same way to where I get so involved with it that I can't put it down. That I hang on every word and just soak it into my heart and spirit. The Bible provides insight, wisdom, guidance, power, encouragement, and love. There's plenty of drama, humor, life, death, and every emotion you can think of and a long cast of characters that you will love, hate, be inspired by, ones that will frustrate and anger you, ones you will find yourself rooting for and ones you wish would be eliminated. What more could you ask for? 

My hope is that this forum will open up the dialogue further in order to hear other perspectives on these subjects. Feel free to share your thoughts and any questions you may have on this week's lesson and how it impacted you in the comments below. 

Living Water After Class Session 5

 

Session 5 Committed To Pray

In the beginning of this lesson, the author talks about how there used to be a White House switchboard number that you could call the President of the United States but didn’t actually have the opportunity to speak to the president. The author mentioned back in 1893, President Grover Cleveland answered the phone calls personally. Can you imagine calling the president who is a busy man in charge of the nation taking the time to pick up the phone and hearing him say “Hello”? 

When I was younger, getting phone calls was something I always looked forward to because it was always my friends calling because they wanted to hang out, arrange sleep overs or go to the mall. That connection to someone made me feel wanted and special because someone was thinking of me enough to call me and invite me into their life for that day. When I would call my friends, I always hoped they would answer and would be disappointed when they did not. Back then the land lines did not have caller ID, voicemail, and cell phones were not around yet that I could call and text them. My life was falling apart because they were unaware that I was trying to get a hold of them!

The author talks about how prayer is our connection to God. I see prayer as a hot line straight to the source of life. You do not have to worry about him being too busy to take your call, or that the call goes straight to voicemail because the phone is turned off, or he ignores your text and doesn't respond. He is available 24/7 and all it takes is us setting time aside to spend with him. To me, it can be intimidating because it means I need to still my mind and spirit. Many times, I have too much going on in my head that I do not know how to be still. I pay more attention to the distractions and feel guilty then I am hesitant to go before him. I tell myself I should probably wait until I am in a better place. Well, that is just an excuse because what is my definition of a “better place” and when am I going to get there?

From the beginning of this pandemic, I kept hearing in my spirit Be Still. I have felt the Lord showing me that I need to be still and be with Him and be present with Him. I do not need to pray some elaborate prayer. I need to come before him with a grateful heart and thanksgiving. To be honest with my thoughts and bring my petitions before Him. Lately, he has been showing me to be prepared to pray on the spot when needed. My father has been having some anxiety attacks and it can come out of nowhere. I can see his countenance change and I find myself just going to him and laying my hands on him and praying. We have had some friends and family members who have been experiencing some health issues and challenging circumstances and the Lord will tell me to stop and pray for them if I’m speaking to them over the phone or he prompts me to time out of my day to bring them before the Lord. I have even found myself texting prayers to those who are not answering their phones. This may sound ridiculous, but I am slowly becoming more comfortable with my own voice praying out loud and in private to the Lord.

This lesson is something I need to keep on hand as a constant reminder to stay committed to a prayer life. Over the last 8 months, I have made a commitment to exercise and I have kept it up and doing what I can to build up my exercise routines and challenge myself more. This lesson has shown me that the commitment that I have made to exercise should be also applied to my Prayer time. Prayer is for my wellness-spirit, mind, and body. My goal is to be fit physically and spiritually.

It is important that we keep that prayer line open to the Lord. To not only pray for ourselves and our loved ones but as it states in the lesson Pray for Other Believers, Pray for Workers of the Gospel, and Pray for Spiritual Growth of Believers.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this week's lesson. Feel free to share your comments and questions. 

Wake Pray Slay

 

Do You Know What You're Doing? No.

In March 2018, I had a fire lit inside of me that I needed to move back home to San Antonio. I knew that I wanted to be in Texas before July 1st. Why this date? I honestly don't know but I knew it was going to happen. I didn't know how or what I was going to do when I got here, but it didn't matter. I just knew it had to be done. 
So I started getting organized in April with the most important things I needed to handle like how I was going to get my belongings to San Antonio, health insurance, finding new Physicians & Specialists, transportation service, living arrangements, etc. I was able to have my items shipped by the UPS Store for a reasonable price so I started shipping my items months in advance so that all I needed to bring to San Antonio was me. The items I wasn't going to bring with me I sold on Facebook marketplace and that paid for my shipping costs. 
The most important thing I needed to focus on between April and June was staying as healthy as possible and not get too stressed over the move and the responsibilities I needed to take care of. I was working 2 jobs at the time which was equivalent to a part time job. I made the decision to stop working mid May so the last month of my time in Colorado was to focus on tying up loose ends and making sure I would be ready for my move. Just as May was upon us, I went to my Physicians and Dentist to get in my last follow up appointments and prescriptions taken care of. Well, in the midst of this I start experiencing some issues to where I needed to see my Gynecologist for unexplained bleeding. This was literally the last thing I needed to be dealing with. I'm trying to move and I'll be damned if my health was going to jeopardize this. I had to have surgery towards the end of May. Luckily I was able to leave that same day of the surgery and go home. Thank God for my friends who took care of me during my recovery period. 
I left Colorado on June 29th and my sister drove me from Houston to San Antonio on July 1st. I hadn't realized it until after the fact that I moved to Colorado in June 1998. I moved back to Texas exactly 20 years later in June 2018. Remember I said earlier that I didn't know how, what, or why I needed to move back home to San Antonio. That's the same scenario I had when I knew I had to move to Colorado. I didn't have a clue as to what I was getting myself into. I just knew I had to go. 
Being a bit more responsible and organized this go around, I had my health insurance, transportation service lined up, and living arrangements at my parent's house lined up before I set foot in Texas.  Little did I know how much the decision to stay with mom and dad was going to shed light on my purpose for being here. 
As soon as I got off the plane in Houston, I felt like I could breathe again both literally and figuratively. I can't explain the figuratively part just yet. That will come later. Physically, being at a lower altitude definitely was a step in the right direction for my health. Next I needed to give it at least a month before I would deflate and truly feel a difference.  I say deflate because I was so swollen from the combination of my medications and the climate change from dryness to humidity. Being gone 20 years, you would think that maybe I would at least feel something emotionally good or bad. Well, it honestly felt like I was picking up where I left off but with a different perspective and attitude. I would like to think with more wisdom than when I left but that remains to be seen. 

Thank You

I've never been one to post reviews on products, services, or companies before until only recently.  I've only had to do maybe one or two that were not good but for the most part, I try to post reviews that are good and where I receive the above and beyond customer service.  I try to always make a point to say "thank you" to the drivers of the VIA transportation service that drive me around, to the VIA staff members who help schedule my rides, Uber & Lyft drivers, to the people who assist me anywhere from the grocery store to the physician's offices etc. It feels good to say thank you and I would like to think it feels good to receive a thank you.  
After my separation three years ago, I came to a point where I remember writing in my journal "thank you" to my ex because he left me and looking back it was one of the best decisions for both of us. We had a 14 year relationship filled with love, hate, respect, disappointment, blood, sweat, and tears. He was in my life for a reason. Despite how things turned out in the end, I'm thankful for that opportunity of having him in my life. 
One of my previous supervisors used to periodically say thank you to all his employees. He would go around to each one personally and say thank you and always asked how we were and if there was anything we needed, he was there. That thank you I often received stayed with me.  It stayed with me because it showed me that he appreciated me and valued me as an employee.  Once that supervisor left, those two words of thank you also left.  For me, it was replaced with who are you and remind me again of what do you do here, constantly being reminded when mistakes are made and not offering advice on how to correct the mistake, suddenly your integrity and loyalty are being questioned, and your job being made more difficult each day due to unnecessary stress and pressure. Wow, how do you deal with going from thank you to this?  At the time, I was wondering to myself if I was in the twilight zone. Is this really happening?  Is this just me?  Yes, it was really happening and no, it wasn't just me.  You start replaying previous conversations in your mind and you start to ask if any of that was real.  Was the praise I once received from this individual from the heart?  All those times we would laugh, carry on, and have fun at work was that real? I confided in this individual and vented to them about my frustrations from certain aspects of the job and what I felt was wrong with the system.  I appreciated how I could be honest with them. They would correct me when I was wrong and if I was in the right, they would agree and encourage me.  They always had my back no matter what and I respected them for this.  Then literally from one day to the next, everything changed.   I remember the specific day when a speech was made and I could tell immediately by the tone that something was definitely different and things were changing and not for the better. It appears that when certain individuals get more power, it goes to their head.  It suddenly changes them and their personalities and how they treat people.  I was shocked, hurt, angry, and disappointed that this person whom I respected and looked up to was no longer the person I knew.  They were unrecognizable to me.  
After this chapter in my life ended, I wrote in my journal "thank you".  I had to let go of the bitterness and hurt I was feeling and I had to forgive them in my heart. I was thankful that this situation happened because it lead me to the realization that the job was no longer worth my health.  For years, I had been placing the job first and my health and quality of life second.  My health issues were becoming more serious and I could no longer afford to do this.  This period of my life was challenging, rewarding, difficult, a learning experience, and filled with blood, sweat, tears, and yelling at times, but I loved my time there with all my heart.  I made the decision to walk away and it was on my own terms and not anyone else's terms. I'm proud of that. 
So the journey continues to be thankful each day for the good and the bad.  
Thank you.  

Life is Full of the Unexpected

It was 8 years ago when I was diagnosed with a Craniopharyngioma which is a type of brain tumor derived from the pituitary gland. Craniopharyngiomas occur in the sellar region (the part that holds the pituitary gland) of the brain, near the pituitary gland. They often involve the third ventricle, optic nerve, and pituitary gland. At the time, I was healthy and worked out at the local gym on a regular basis. I had been at my current job for a year and just purchased a brand new Toyota truck. Life was good. Then all of a sudden from one day to the next, I started feeling ill and was experiencing low energy, horrible migraine headaches (that I had never had before), weak, etc. I went to my Primary Physician and he ran some tests and didn't find anything. He then referred me to a Neurologist and after a series of tests, they discovered that I had a brain tumor. I remember feeling like I was in a dream as the Neurologist is telling me this and showing me the tumor on his computer screen. I didn't quite comprehend the severity of the situation. To hear the Neurologist explain it, it was routine surgery and it was going to be short and sweet. The recovery process would be quick since I was young and I would be back to work in no time. I met with the Neurosurgeon and he explained the procedure more in depth that they were going to make an incision at the top of my gum line and go through my nasal cavity with a probe to basically drain and suck out the tumor like a vaccum. A month later the time comes for the surgery and the severity of the situation is kicking in. I'm obviously scared shitless but I need to get this over with so I can move on with my life. I was expected to be in the hospital maybe 4 to 5 days.

I remember waking up from my surgery and there is a bunch of gauze underneath my nose and a bunch of liquid coming out. I felt as if I had a runny nose that just won't stop. Come to find out, I had a spinal fluid leak in the middle of surgery so they had to halt the surgery and deal with that issue. So now, I'm leaking from my spine and the freaking tumor is still inside my brain! Mark had to call my family in Texas to give them the update and let them know that the surgery didn't go quite as planned. My parents ended up flying out to Colorado (this was their first time flying ever and they were in their 70's) to be with Mark and I.  Mark told me after the fact that he had a conversation with my parents in the hospital cafeteria. My dad asked Mark if I had a living will or if he knew what my wishes were if anything should happen to me. In the years I've known Mark, he's never been one to show emotion and cry. Except for this time while he's telling me about this.  He said that he told my dad that we didn't need to think about that because I was going to be fine.  He said he just walked away from my dad because he couldn't face him.

The Surgeon's next plan of action was to insert a lumbar drain at the bottom of my spine to re-route  the leak in the meantime so they could determne what they were doing to do next. I had to sit and sleep upright so the liquid could drain out property into an IV bag. They left that in over the weekend to see if that would help. Well, of course it didn't. The Surgeon then explains that he has no choice but to make an incision from ear to ear along my hairline and cut part of my skull out so he can go in and not only fix the spinal fluid leak but get the tumor out. Lucky me, it's time for surgery #2!

I remember the morning of my second surgery like it was yesterday. That is one memory that has never left me to this day. The hospital had a transport team of nurses that would take you to wherever you needed to go throughout the hospital. They would either take you in a wheelchair or transport you in your bed. This particular morning the transport team were too busy to come get me so between my nurse and myself, we were the transport team. I'm connected to all kinds of machines and a little monitor that looked like an old small TV. I'm thinking to myself, how are we going to do this? I'm holding the "TV" on my lap, and pushing my own IV's and she is pushing the other machines I'm connected to and me in the wheelchair. I had to get an MRI first so the surgeon could map out a route to the leak and tumor. I remember getting off the elevator and the MRI room had an orange tint to it like it had orange colored light bulbs. One of my favorite nurses walked up and he sees that I'm crying and nervous so he's attempting to console me. Then I see a nurse coming towards me with clippers in her hand because they were going to have to shave part of my head. I remember freaking out and probably didn't have very nice words for this nurse. Next thing you know, they are putting something in my IV and I'm out. Good thing because I'm sure I was about to kick that nurses ass with the clippers!

Good news. The spinal fluid leak was fixed and the tumor was removed successfully! Bad news. I don't remember too much after this surgery but I do remember not being able to see clearly. The light bothered my eyes and my vision was like I was looking through binoculars that were dark and blurry. The Surgeon explained to me that the tumor was further down than expected and he had to move my optic nerves out of the way to get to the tumor. He stated that he was surprised that I wasn't completely blind because that is what he was expecting. I lost my peripheral vision in both eyes, half of my central vision in my right eye and about a little less than half of my central vision in my left eye. My field of vision is on the bridge of my nose. So it's like I'm constantly looking through binoculars. Let's just say walking around can be challenging at times. For example, I have to be careful when I'm walking around the grocery store because I've come pretty close to knocking down the aisle displays and people. I get in such a hurry (since I'm a slave to the bus schedule) that I honestly forget sometimes that I'm not seeing everyone. In my world, I'm seeing only what's in front of me.  There's a whole big out there and unfortunately, it always feels like it's constantly sneaking up on me! Literally.

So much for being in the hospital 4 to 5 days. I was in the hospital for nearly a month and spent Christmas in the hospital. I remember on several occasions when I was alone in my room in ICU, a dark figure or shadow would appear in the chair near by bed. I really can't explain it but it was a dark shadow in a long trench coat with the collar up and a Fedora hat. It reminded me of the original movie the Invisible Man. It just sat there like it was waiting for something to happen. To me, it was Death waiting to take me with him. I don't remember being scared. I do remember looking at him and telling him to leave me alone because I wasn't going anywhere. I knew I was going to be okay and I was going to be walking out of that hospital.

Before I left the hospital, I remember meeting with another Physician who they explained was going to be my Endocrinologist. I was like who and what is that? An Endocrinologist is a physician who specializes in the Endocrine system. When they removed the tumor, not only were my optic nerves damaged but also my Pituitary Gland. As a result, I was diagnosed with Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. Call me naive but I thought once they removed the tumor, I was going to be back to my normal self. So now I'm partially blind, they tell me that I have this disease, and I will be dependent on steroids and medications for the rest of my life. I can't even begin to swallow this pill or understand what the hell is going on. Nor did I have a clue as to what was ahead for me. My only choice was to suck it up and strap in my seat belt because I was about to get on the ride of my life!